Although
no writer can write anything completely unbiased, I tried to keep most of my
personal choices out of the "Are You Mom Enough" series. I wanted you to think about yourself as you
read those articles. However, honesty
and some self-disclosure are most people's expectations when they follow a blog
writer as opposed to reading a national newspaper.
Consider
this entry as a way for you to get to know me a little better, not a means of
comparing yourself to me. Constant
comparison can eat away at you. The
insecurities and self-doubts caused by my comparing myself to
"perfect" moms touched my family more than my inadequacies
themselves.
Did I
breastfeed or bottle feed?
Both. My first pregnancy was
twins. The doctor said I should be able
to produce enough milk to feed both of them.
I did not know if I believed him, and I did not know if I wanted to make
that much of a commitment to basically nurse—in my opinion—24 hours a day,
especially since I had a husband who was willing to help with the bottle
feeding. From the beginning we did both
with the girls. Sometimes they would both
get nursed and bottle fed in one feeding.
Other times one would only get breastfed and the other only bottle fed;
the next time, they reversed. I tried
both ways, but I don't honestly remember which we ended up doing the most. One girl liked nursing better; the other,
bottle feeding better. However, they
learned to deal with whatever they were given.
Although
I like to think I breastfed them for three months, it may have actually been
less than that. If I had known more
about breastfeeding, it would have been longer.
Less than a month after they were born I had to finish my last six weeks
of my student teaching. I didn't really
have a place or time to pump, so I didn't.
That was a mistake. Even if I didn't
want to save it to take home, I should have relieved the pressure and kept my
milk production even. You live and
learn. We then went to total bottle
feeding, which worked out fine and was not that difficult to maintain.
 |
| My kids: by birth, marriage, and grandchild |
The
other five children came one at a time, so I planned to nurse them. For the most part, breastfeeding was much
easier, especially since I was willing to nurse anytime anywhere as long as I
had a receiving blanket or something to use as a cover up. I nursed each one
for about a year with breast milk being their only nourishment for the first
six months. However, I should have given
them a bottle a little more often, because most of them never quite got used to
one. Although my children usually go
where I go, I was away from one daughter for a whole day when she was a few
months old. I left bottles of expressed
milk, but she would not take it at all, which meant she cried half the
day. She was older before I left her
that long again.
Did I
feed on demand or on a schedule?
Pretty much I fed on demand. I
tried feeding more than one of my children on a schedule, but I didn't have a
lot of luck. The mom has to be committed
to a schedule first, and that didn't happen.
However, I was not opposed to making them wait a little while if I
didn't think they were really hungry (or were using me as a human pacifier) or
if it was not a good time/place to feed them.
Did I
wear my babies? I carried my
children around a lot on my hips and got some nice biceps without having to
work out. (Sadly, the biceps went away
completely since I don't carry my children around anymore.) When the twins were babies, I laid them on
blankets on the front room floor, in a playpen, or propped up in their high
chairs when they were older if I was in the kitchen. My twin stroller did not have a
"lay-them-down" option, which I used for other children even in the
house when I got a different stroller. With
my second pregnancy, I bought a sling at a craft show where I had a booth. I had the stroller with me, but she wanted to
be held and her continual weight was killing my arms. La Leche League was selling slings in the
booth next to me. I bought one. I used it that day and other days at home and
while out and about. I really didn't use
it that often, but when I did, I was glad I had it.
Did I
co-sleep with my children? Basically
for the first three months, I gradually eased my children from sleeping mostly
with me to sleeping mostly in a bed by themselves in a room down the hall. Even though I could probably hear them
without it, I used a baby monitor to signal me for nighttime feedings. As they got older, my husband taught them to
need special attention before they went to sleep, but that's another
story. J I know some parents who welcome their
children to their bed at any time and at any age. I know a set of parents that did not allow their
children to step foot inside the parental bedroom at any time for any reason,
but they were very responsive to their children's needs across the hall and
would join them in their room when necessary.
Neither of those styles worked for me; we found our own niche.
Did I
begin with birth bonding? I do not
have a good handle on the meaning of "birth bonding." Basically, for me, the birthing process of my
children did not interfere with my bonding with my children. Some things that happened with my twins in
the delivery room with the doctor, some complications at that time, and my
self-perception of the situation negatively contributed to my mental state as a
mother—but it was an unusual circumstance (and one that contributed to the
eight-year gap before my next pregnancy).
I gave
birth to six children vaginally, and the last was delivered by c-section. Three of the labors were induced with
pitocin, and two came on their own. (Remember,
the twins were one labor, and then there was the c-section.) All of my children
came late, except the twins—but considering they were induced 8 days before
their due date (because I had developed toxemia) you might as well consider
them late. For different reasons, I was allowed
to hold only two of my babies in the delivery room. I absolutely loved holding
and nursing them in the delivery room, but I bonded with my other children just
as much as the ones I held right after delivery. My deliveries were far from being anything
like a whole family, at-home delivery, but guess what. I did bond with my babies, and as a family we
all bonded together beginning in the hospital.
Considering some of the complications I had, I am absolutely thankful
for being in a medical facility. I would
not have all my children and would probably not be here myself if I had given
some of those births elsewhere.
Did I
believe there was "language" in my babies crying? Usually yes.
Sometimes I met their needs.
Sometimes they had colic and couldn't be calmed down despite my efforts,
so I would just end up holding them (and maybe singing to them) while they
cried. Sometimes they were mad when they
didn't get their way. Then I let them
cry a little and got back to them. By
then, they were glad to be held again and quit crying.
Did I
beware of baby trainers? You
know. You listen to people. If what you are doing doesn't seem to be
working, you try what someone else tells you to do. If that doesn't work or if you don't feel
comfortable with it, you move on. Were
some of them "baby trainers"?
Yes. Were some of them lovey,
dovey airheads? Yes. Would I now choose to totally ignore some of
them? Yes. You learn to glean out the good and discard
the bad.
Did I
follow gentle discipline? My kids
would say, "No!"J but they
don't know the regular rigid physical punishment imposed by some parents. Do I believe in spanking? Yes.
(Oops, I probably just lost some followers.) Correct spanking is not beating or abuse, and
when applied correctly, it happens only for a few years. Children need to be able to understand why
they are getting "spanked," and corporal punishment is not used until
they have the capability to understand the whole situation. Then, most of the time, the
"spanking" is only one swat on the butt. Of course, this is only one of your tools or
methods to discipline, train, and teach self-control and/or making good choices
to your children.
Strive
to provide situations for your children to have successful behavior. If you don't want them to get jelly on your
tax return, then don't put your tax return on the kitchen table.
Remember
accidents are not disobedience. If your
child is walking through the living room and slips on a rug causing the floor
lamp to hit and break your television screen, you are going to be upset, but
the child should not be punished with words or actions. It was an accident.
This
issue is a series of blogs in and of itself, but the point here is that
whatever discipline plan you have, it must be administered with love. As my children have gotten older, they have
thanked me for disciplining them and teaching them self-control. (Some of them are old enough to appreciate
the big picture.) J
Of all
your responsibilities as a parent, handling discipline can be the most
stressful and frustrating and has the greatest need for balance, yet if you set
the stage for proper behavior (and respect) in the younger years, the older
years are so much better! I even enjoy
my children when they are teenagers.
Sadly, not all parents can say that.
Did I
find balance? Really? I'm still trying to find balance! Finding balance is a constant effort. When you stop working toward it, that's when
you fall over into an extreme. Hopefully this blog will touch your family by
helping you critically examine issues and situations, so you can keep working
on your balancing act.
